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***astro_boy***
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What is white and sits in a corner?

A naughty fridge.
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tomz/TIDE
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:11 pm    Post subject: JOKES Reply with quote

Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 4.5 Kilos


Whats the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

About 45 minutes.

Smile tomz Smile
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***astro_boy***
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 1:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why do women adjust their hair at traffic lights?

They've got no balls to scratch
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***astro_boy***
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 2:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy and a Smart Blonde are standing on the top of a Ten Story building and they all jump of at the same time. Which will hit the ground first? (answer tomorrow)
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mixojoe
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 6:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a * therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
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Azryl
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2008 2:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

1st sperm says to the 2nd... how far is it to this damn egg?
2nd replied... a long way.. we just passed the tonsils!





1st h o m o * u a l sperm complains to the 2nd.. how are we meant to find an egg in all this shit?
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mixojoe
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2008 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What happens when you cross a singer and a rocking chair? -- you rock to the beat.

How do you mend a broken jack o' lantern? -- with a pumpkin patch.

what do you call a lease of false teeth? -- a dental rental

Where did the kittens go on the class trip -- to the meow-seum.

What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? -- a watchdog

What did the art dealer say when a man asked what a picture was supposed to be? -- a reflection of you.

what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? -- shore

What falls down but never gets hurt? -- snow

What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee's hair? -- a honey comb

How do you get a peanut to laugh? -- you crack it up

Who greets you at a haunted house? -- a host ghost

Why did the farmer bury all his money? -- to make his soil rich

Where can you find an ocean without water? -- on a map

What do you call a horse that likes arts & crafts? -- a hobby horse

Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles

What do you call an avid gardener? -- herb

If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? -- a poul-tree

What do you get when you cross a grape with a lion? -- a grape nobody picks on

What did the tree say to the mountain? -- stop peaking at me!

What are sailors' favorite fruits? -- naval oranges

Where does a penguin keep his money? -- in a snow bank

What did the boy chip say to the girl chip (crisp for the Brits)? -- Let's dance and I'll dip you.

Why do bees have sticky hair? -- they use honeycombs

Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop? -- he wanted to get the scoop

Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? -- she broke her angle

What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? -- a chipmonk

What kind of trees sew? -- pine trees, they always have needles around

What did the plate say to the other plate? -- lunch is on me.

What did the man say when the picture fell on his head? -- I've been framed!

Did you hear about the mummies who went to the theater? -- They gave the actors stage fright

How do you turn soup into gold? -- add 24 carrots (karats)

What do you do if a rhino charges you? -- Give him your credit card.

Why did they bury the battery? -- Because it was dead.

What do sneezes wear on their feet? -- ahh-shoes

What do wolves say when they are introduced? -- howl do you do?

What does a car run on? -- wheels

What did the sink say to the water faucet? -- you're a real drip

where do pigs park their cars? -- in a porking lot

Why did the banana leave the cinema? -- the film didn't appeal to him.

Why did the little cookie (biscuit) cry? -- because his mother was a wafer so long.

What do you call a hot dog in a bun? -- an in betweenie weenie.

Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? -- He found a leek there.

How do you make a witch itch? -- take away her W

What do you call two guys fighting over a prostitute? -- tug of whore
*ok, so that was mine. Just threw it in to see if you were paying attention*

What do you call a crab who plays baseball? -- a pinch-hitter

What is the clumsiest bee? -- a bumbling bee

What kind of bean can't grow? -- a jelly bean

Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars? -- a martian mellow

How does a man on the moon get his hair cut? -- eclipse it

What do you do when you have no rubber bands? -- find a plastic orchestra

-- -- -- -- and some old favorites -- -- -- -- -- -

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? -- time to get a new fence.

What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? -- a frog in a blender

What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? -- a dead school bus

Why did the man throw his margarine? -- he wanted to see the butter fly

What did the finger say to the thumb? -- I'm in glove with you (heather's favorite)

What's brown and sticky? -- a stick

What's red and not there -- no tomatoes

What's white and flies through the sky? -- the coming of the lord

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a penguin? -- a very cross penguin
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tomz/TIDE
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 28, 2008 11:35 pm    Post subject: JOKES Reply with quote

Mrs.Atkins goes to her doctor and complains
"Doctor that * you gave me was terribly!!!"

"Why Mrs.Atkins pleae tell me what happened"

"Well my husband and I were having lunch when I decided to slip him 2 of the tablets. Within a couple of minutes he was so horny, he knocked the food off the table and took me right there and then, it was the best lovemaking in the 48 years that we have been married"

The Doctor replied"Well whats so terrible about that?"

"Well Doctor its just that we are not allowed back into Starbucks anymore"
She replied.

Smile tomz Smile
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***astro_boy***
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 1:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A lady went to the doctor's with all the skin off her knees and elbows. the doctor asked how this had happened? she replied i was doing it doggy style on the garage floor. the doctor replied why didn't you just lay on your back. the lady replied I couldn't stand the dogs breath.
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 7:53 pm    Post subject: JOKES Reply with quote

The EGYPTIANS who built the great pyramids were indeed a unique culture. They built magnificent structures which even the Romans could not match. Now its a little known fact (as I just made it up :p) that their suergons were unsurpassed for thusands of years not only in their knowledge but aso in area of skill, it was a true golden age never to be repeated.

There was one special skill that we can only duplicate now with 21st Century medicine, for they were able to make mummys out of daddies.

Smile tomz Smile
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***astro_boy***
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 13, 2009 12:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

why couldn't the cat drink its milk?

its head was stapled to the floor
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 14, 2009 9:29 pm    Post subject: JOKES Reply with quote

My neighbours,the 2 lesbians gave me a ROLEX for Xmas dont for a moment think Im ungrateful but I think they misuderstood me when I said ''I wanna watch.....''
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