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retrobrad
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 8:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

two guys walk into a bar.

- you would have thought one of them would have seen it...
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tomz/TIDE
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 10:22 pm    Post subject: JOKE Reply with quote

How many blondes does it take to make a chocolate chip cake?

10, one to actually make the cake and the other 9 to crush the Smarties.

Smile tomz Smile
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 11:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q: What is blu-tack made from

A: Smurf poo
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 5:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

HARD-DISK Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Girls:
Difficult to access. Sometimes Access Denied

SERVER Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she
comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to
uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall
her you will lose everything..
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tomz/TIDE
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 9:57 pm    Post subject: JOKES Reply with quote

Whats the difference between an elephant and a prune?
Answer: Different colour!

what did TARZAN say when he saw the elephants coming?
Here come the elephants

What did JANE say when she saw the elephants coming?
Here come the prunes. (she was colour-blind)

How can you tell if theres an elephant in the lift with you?
By the smell of peanuts on his breath
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 6:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q: What is very red, furry and has 2 legs

A: Half a dog
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tomz/TIDE
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 10:22 pm    Post subject: JOKES Reply with quote

Why dont BLONDES become chemists?

They cant get those little bottles into the typewriter.



Smile tomz Smile
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Last edited by tomz/TIDE on Fri Feb 15, 2008 10:48 am; edited 1 time in total
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mixojoe
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 10:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, day ye harv eni books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says, "I apologise to off, ye'll no bring it back!"
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tomz/TIDE
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 11:13 am    Post subject: JOKES Reply with quote

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking
Scared the crap out of me.
So THATS it!
After today no more reading.....

Smile tomz Smile
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 5:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q. Why doesn't Lennox Lewis have a playstation?
A. Cos he is an x-boxer

Q. What is ET short for?
A. Cos he has small legs

Q:How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:One

Q. How do u get pickachu on a bus?
A. Poke him on

Q:Whats grey and cant climb trees
A: A car park

Q: What do you call a brick with no teeth?
A: Scissors

Q: What do you call a woman who can balance a pint of lager on her head while making a 147 break in snooker?
A: Beertricks Potter

Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies!

Q: What's big, unwanted and puts a major downer on your birthdays?
A: An inoperable tumour

Q: Why did the horse win the Nobel Prize?
A: Because he was out standing in his field

Q: What's grey and comes in pints?
A: An elephant

Q: Why'd the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the deer how it's done

Q: Whats black and white and red all over?
A: A nun on a meathook

Q: How do you make your girlfriend cry during *?
A: Phone Her!

Q: Why did the leper fail his driving test?
A: He left his foot on the clutch

Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
A: Christopher Walken!

Q: What do you call a black man flying a plane.?
A: The pilot!

Q: What did the disabled man say to his dog?
A: Down syndrome

Q: Why did the baker have brown hands
A: Because he needed a poo

Q: What's pink and floats through walls?
A: Casper the friendly half cooked sausage

Q: What do you call a guy without left eye, left ear, left arm and left leg?
A: ALL RIGHT!

Q: Why did the man walk down the street with a fried egg on his head?
A: The boiled one kept rolling off

Q: What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A: A labrador.

Q: What's long, green and always points north?
A: A magnetic cucumber

Q: My grandad had his tongue shot off during WW2
A: He doesn't talk about it

Q: Did you hear about the cannibal that turned up late for lunch?
A:They gave him the cold shoulder

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A Carrot

Q: What's a Pirates favourite soap opera?
A: AHOY m N Away

I bought a teddy bear today for $5, called it Mohammed and sold it for a tenner. Question is, have I made a prophet?
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tomz/TIDE
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 8:21 pm    Post subject: JOKES Reply with quote

How many Blondes does it take to answer a quiz question??

10, one to answer the actual question,and the other nine to flick their hair back and say ''I dont know.....................''

Smile tomz Smile
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Ike
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 11:45 am    Post subject: He he, Funny!!! Reply with quote

One day, Jack says to Mike 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

'Listen mate. Don't waste your time down at the surgery,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen, he poured in his concoction, and awaited the results with a grin.
The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco
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tomz/TIDE
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:54 pm    Post subject: JOKES Reply with quote

How do they take a census in Poerto Rico??

They count the basement windows and multiply by 16. Razz

Smile tomz Smile
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 11:05 pm    Post subject: JOKES Reply with quote

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
''You know what?''Says the 7 year old.
''I think its bloody well time we started swearing.''
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
''When we go down for breakfast Im gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?''
''Ok'' the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
wants for breakfast.
''Oh shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops''
WHACK!
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and
ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She stared at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
''and what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?''
''I dont know he blubbers but it wont be friggin Coco Pops!''
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 11:47 pm    Post subject: JOKES Reply with quote

Heres another one that I should have posted with that last one.

A DOG is truly mans best friend!
If you dont beleive it, just try this experiment.

Put your wife and your dog in the boot of your car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you?? Smile

Smile tomz Smile
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